Peri-Menopause, Menopause, Sexuality and Libido : Is Your Sex Life Over ?
- Solène Fortin
- 7 minutes ago
- 5 min read
I spent three years at university studying sexology, discussing the biology of various human bodies, gender disparities, sexual orientation, feminism, and more. Yet, I can't recall if we ever addressed peri-menopause and menopause in the context of sexuality and libido. How troubling is that?
And the truth is, this is also the case for many doctors and general practitioners. Those who are supposed to support you during significant biological changes often feel uncomfortable or lack the training to guide you through this natural stage of life. As a result, many women leave their GP's office feeling their symptoms aren't taken seriously, often left to handle the challenges of peri-menopause and menopause on their own, feeling ashamed or suffering from the symptoms.
This article will share everything (or most of it) that I learned about peri-menopause and menopause while facilitating a series of workshops in my community for women experiencing this process. Read to the end, and I'll provide tips on how to rejuvenate your sex life, despite societal views on aging women.
Understanding Peri-Menopause and Menopause
So, what is Perimenopause beyond being the stage when a woman is no longer fertile? (and becomes incredibly hotter!!)
It's the transitional period leading up to menopause, generally beginning in the 40s but sometimes earlier. This phase can last several years (up to 10 years!!!) and is characterized by fluctuating hormone levels, particularly estrogen and progesterone. Menopause is defined as the point when menstruation ceases for 12 consecutive months, typically around age 51.
During these phases, hormonal changes can lead to emotional symptoms such as:
Hot flashes and night sweats
Mood swings and irritability
Sleep disturbances (resulting in fatigue and low energy)
Brain fog
Difficulty focusing
Anxiety
Low self-esteem
Depression
On the physical side, women in perimenopause may experience symptoms such as:
Vulvovaginal changes (vaginal dryness, itching, atrophy, discomfort, or pain during penetration)
Weight gain
Dry skin
Thinning hair
Joint pain and muscle stiffness
Heart palpitations
Dizziness
Headaches
Breast tenderness
Urinary urgencies
Difficulty to orgasm
And the list goes on...
Moreover, women facing these symptoms frequently have children to look after and greater work responsibilities due to their professional experience. If they are fortunate, they have a supportive partner who can help share the mental load and duties (I emphasize: if they are lucky).
In the image below, you can observe the vulva and vaginal environment before menopause on the left, and after estrogen loss on the right.
Please note: Not all women will experience complete vaginal atrophy.
How Hormonal Changes Affect Sexuality
If you're experiencing some or many of these symptoms, it's completely normal for your sexuality to be impacted. Consider this: if you're stressed, haven't slept well for a week, and your vulva is itchy, do you really think your brain will switch to spontaneous desire mode?
No. And that's entirely normal.
Hormones significantly influence sexual desire, arousal, and comfort. Lower estrogen levels can cause vaginal dryness, thinning of vaginal walls, and decreased elasticity. This can make penetration uncomfortable or painful, which might reduce the motivation for sexual activity, especially if you've primarily relied on penetration for pleasure.
Moreover, fluctuating hormones can affect libido. Some people notice a decrease in sexual desire, while others may experience little change or even an increase. Emotional factors such as stress, anxiety, or body image concerns during this time also affect sexuality.
Practical Tips to Support Sexual Health
Apply water-based lubricants and vaginal moisturizers to alleviate dryness. Just as your face requires moisturizer, so does your vagina!
Explore various forms of intimacy beyond penetration, such as massage, cuddling, passionate kissing, sensual touches, oral sex, and masturbation. The sexual world is your oyster!
Engage in open communication with your partner about your needs, feelings, and boundaries.
Consider pelvic floor exercises to enhance vaginal tone and sensation.
If symptoms are severe, consult a healthcare provider about hormone therapy or other treatments. Localized estrogen can help restore blood flow to the vaginal vessels.
Maintaining Strong Relationships During This Transition
Changes in sexuality can impact relationships, but they don't necessarily have to weaken them. Open communication is crucial. Partners may not fully grasp what is happening, so sharing experiences and emotions fosters empathy and support. Encourage your partner to educate themselves about your experience as a peri-menopausal or menopausal woman.
Emily Nagoski, an American sex educator and researcher known for her book Come As You Are, explains the Dual-Control Model. This model describes how we all have sexual accelerators and brakes (see image above). Understanding what turns us on and off is vital if we struggle with libido and arousal. Think of it like driving a car: if you keep pressing the gas pedal while your other foot is on the brake, you won't move forward. Similarly, focusing solely on what excites you without addressing what dampens your desire won't lead to arousal.
In other words, if you've set the mood with dim lighting, put on comfortable clothes that make you feel sexy, and used plenty of lubricant, but you're still stressed, lack privacy because the kids are in the next room, and your partner hasn't done the dishes after you asked three times, your mind might be elsewhere. Understand?
Identify what turns you off, discuss it, and then take steps to address those issues!
Ways to Strengthen Connection
Schedule regular time for meaningful conversations without distractions
Schedule intimacy time (no need for genitality, intimacy time is to connect. If it leads to sexuality good, but that is not the aim!)
Explore new ways to express affection and intimacy
Attend counseling or couples therapy if needed to navigate challenges
Focus on emotional intimacy, which can deepen the bond beyond physical aspects
Be patient with yourself and your partner as you both adjust
Addressing Emotional and Psychological Impact
Menopause and peri-menopause can bring feelings of loss, anxiety, or lowered self-esteem. These emotions may affect how a person approaches sexuality and relationships. Recognizing these feelings and seeking support is important.
Mindfulness practices, stress reduction techniques, and social support groups can improve emotional well-being. Professional help from therapists or counselors specializing in midlife transitions can provide valuable guidance.
The key is to avoid isolating yourself. Speak with someone you trust, whether it's a friend, a family member, a colleague, a professional, your children, or your partner. The more we discuss it, the more we educate ourselves, and the less shame we experience.
Embracing New Opportunities for Growth
This life stage offers a chance to redefine your sexuality and relationships on your own terms. Many people find increased confidence, freedom, and satisfaction as they move beyond reproductive concerns. And let's be honest, menopause means your mood doesn't depend on your menstrual cycle anymore, which can feel liberating for a lot of women.
Trying new activities, hobbies, or social groups can enhance self-esteem and bring fresh energy to relationships. Celebrating this phase as a time of wisdom and self-discovery helps shift the narrative from loss to empowerment.
It is not the end of your sexuality; it's the opportunity to have a new, more exciting one!
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